1.27 Thoughts

Today was supposed to be my first day back at a full-time job.

It wasn't.

I became a SAHM last February after we had our daughter, Madison. Call it Mother's Intuition, but I had a gut feeling from the start something was going to go wrong. Maybe it's because it took us years to get pregnant, maybe it was just anxiety, who knows. I transferred OB's to UNC so I could have a higher level of care without having to be transported after we had our anatomy scan. My scan was perfect and there was nothing that should have had me feeling on edge. Like most first time moms, I kept saying I was going to have my baby before my due date (March 1st). Again, there was no indication of this. I just had a feeling the whole time. 

To say that my birth experience was traumatic is not an exaggeration. If you know me IRL, you'd know I'm typically very laid back and very "go with the flow." I was induced for high blood pressure at 39 weeks. It was a dream induction. We went in on Thursday, I was given a pill to soften my cervix, and my water broke on its own that evening. I was pushing by 4:30 Friday AM and I remember thinking how peaceful the experience was. 

Until it wasn't.

I remember I started going in and out of consciousness but I thought it was because I was tired. The night before, me and Madison's heart rate would dip or go up but my nurses would help me get readjusted and we were okay. But the time I woke up surrounded by a team of medical professionals telling me we were going into an emergency c-section, we weren't fine. Once the induction started, my team did a great job beforehand telling me the risks and making sure I was okay with a c-section. Again, I told them I don't care what you have to do. Keep me alive and get her here safe. I didn't think that was going to actually happen.

So, into the OR we go. I remember vomiting on the way there and that was it. I was lying on the operating table and could vaguely hear what was happening around me. I remember my arm kept falling off of the table. I had no idea Tyler, my husband, was in the room with me. I remember hearing them say that my baby wasn't crying. I don't know how much time passed before I remember hearing her faint cries. I guess she went to the NICU soon after. I was draped wrong, I guess because of the hurry, and my face was covered the whole time. I tried to tell the anesthesiologist I was sick but he couldn't hear me. I remember thinking I was dying. The whole surgery is an absolute blur.

I get back to my room and surprisingly felt great. Tyler stepped out to tell our family that I was back in in my room recovering and I hadn't updated one of my best friends since the night before so I called to catch her up. It couldn't have been a few minutes on the phone but I let her know we're okay and I must not be able to breathe because I was so tired. I hurried off the phone and I'm sure it was only a few minutes that passed before I could no longer breathe.

I felt like my entire chest was collapsing. I tried to find my call light and I couldn't. I tried to pick my phone up to call Tyler and tell him to get back in my room but I dropped my phone on the floor in the process. I obviously couldn't stand up to walk for help. I laid in my bed trying to scream for help but couldn't make more than a whisper.

Tyler opened the door to see my blue in the face. Cue the rapid response team. I was flooded with the medical team who, from what I can remember, can't tell me why I couldn't breathe. They gave me some medications and it started to help. They took me down to do some scans. 

I still haven't met my baby. 

By the time I came back from my scans, I was okay. Still, no one could explain what happened but I felt better. They had taken some blood to run some tests. Madison was in the NICU and our family was back at the hospital. 

The timeline of this is a little bit of a blur but I remember several doctors and nurses asking me if I felt okay and a bunch of other questions. Finally, my SIL asked them something along the lines of what is happening that you're not telling us. They were even asking my family if the way I was acting was normal. We were all so confused. I was cracking jokes with everyone, trying to make light of the situation, having no idea my life was at risk.

My doctors came in to let me know that I would be moving to the ICU. I didn't understand why that was necessary but at some point they were telling us about some of my blood work basically being "dead people numbers." What? I'm literally making jokes with y'all and you're telling me I should be dead. Okay, sure. Throughout my hospital visit, almost every single time a doctor came to visit me, they were shocked at "how well" I looked. It was quite a confidence booster once I was laid up in an ICU bed, arms completed bruised from constantly being poked, having to wear oxygen, and haven't showered in days. 

I get moved to the ICU and I'm having blood work done every hour. It got to a point where they couldn't even get the results back fast enough before more blood was being drawn. I haven't eaten since Thursday morning and I was on a clear liquid diet. Thankfully, I didn't even want to eat from all the medications I had. I had so many different IVs hooked up to me that I couldn't even begin to tell you what medicines I was on.

I later found out about all of the blood transfusions I had and while doctors were still trying to narrow down what was happening, they did an incredible job at keeping us in the loop. I'm not kidding when I say there were at least 5 different doctors specializing in different things on my care team. There were so many theories being thrown out but they wanted to continue to monitor me, doing blood work, and keep me in ICU. 

My nurses really advocated for me and Madison was allowed to visit me in the ICU over 24 hours after she was born. I remember her tiny little body the first time I saw her. She was off the warmer and she was doing perfect. They were keeping her in the NICU until I was moved out of ICU. We didn't get to spend much time together during our hospital stay but she was such an angel. My in-laws, parents, and Tyler were the best at being at the hospital with us. They were constantly rotating between the ICU with me and the NICU with Madison. 

I wasn't able to stand up, walk, or eat for almost 72 hours. Even just turning or moving in the bed was challenging from where my muscles hadn't been used. When I was finally able to stand, it was impossible. It took me such a long time to move from the bed to the recliner. I still remember how proud Tyler and my parents were of me. The next challenge was getting me to eat. I had no appetite and hospital food definitely sounded disgusting. 

By day 4, I was told that I had HELLP Syndrome. It's extremely rare and life threatening and less than 1% of people get it. HELLP syndrome is where a woman's blood starts breaking down red blood cells (hemolysis), liver enzymes  become elevated, and the platelet count is low. This means that blood cannot clot properly and you are at risk for severe bleeding/hemorrhaging, ruptured liver, organ failure, a stroke, etc. The typical way to get rid of HELLP is to deliver the baby. Less than 30% of people with HELLP develop it post-birth.

At the time, I truly did not understand the severity of what was happening.

Finally, I was moved to a regular room late one afternoon. I don't even remember the day anymore. Madison was brought to us at 8pm and we were to fend for ourselves. We had no idea what we were doing. I could hardly stay awake with the pain medicine I was on. I would fall asleep mid sentence. I hardly held Madison because I couldn't stay awake. You can forget trying to breast feed. Because of the HELLP syndrome, I couldn't take acetaminophen, ibuprofen, etc. and was given oxycodone.

I forgot to mention that throughout all of this, they discovered a kidney stone that was about an inch in size. The gift that kept on giving but we'll get to that part.

To make matters worse, they were doing construction near our room and there were constant noises that sounded like jackhammering and every time our neighbor used water, it sounded like someone doing construction in our room. It was comical.

I stayed in that room for a few days. Our family was a huge help throughout our adjustment, especially since we never had a timeline of when I would be discharged. I remember begging my MFMOB to let me be discharged. My bilirubin was still a little high but she let me go home with the understanding I needed to come to her office for blood work to make sure things were still on track.

I can remember so much so vividly but there are some things that are the biggest blur. It took me weeks to be able to tell you how much Madison weighed when she was born.  I have no idea how long she was. I don't know the exact time she was born but I'm pretty sure it was after 8 AM but before 10AM. 

I feel like I was robbed of so many things but I did the best that I could. The severity of what happened didn't start to hit me until we were getting settled in at home and I was a mess.

We got home and things got a lot easier. I was sent home with narcotic pain medicine so I was able to get around decently but it took me a minute. It took me at least a few weeks to be able to walk semi-normal. Once we adjusted to feeding on demand, I really felt like it was a breeze. Madison was always an easy newborn. Thank God. 

We were home. We were safe. 
Until my surgery to remove a the kidney stone.

3 months later, in late May, it was time for me to get my kidney stone removed. I was finally starting to get around easier and feeling healed from my c-section.

My mom and Tyler came to the hospital with me while my MIL kept Madison. It was a routine surgery and I was told I might be a little sore but it was a pretty easy recovery. Cool.

Immediately upon waking up in the recovery room, I remember freaking out crying and the words "I don't want what happened when I had a c-section to happen again." I don't remember much after that but once I was calm down, a nurse asked me what I meant by that and I told her about how I couldn't breathe. I was having trouble breathing when I woke up from the kidney stone removal and that's what set me off. 

I remember chatting with the nurse and then Tyler and my mom came back in the room with me. The nurse showed me a scan of my chest and showed me my lung. It was about 1/3 the size it should be and she said to make sure I did the breathing exercises so I wouldn't get a pneumonia. My Urologist came in and talked to us, told us the procedure was successful and he thought he removed everything, and he'd see me at my post-op appointment.

We decided to get lunch on our way home and within that 20 minute drive, I was struggling to breathe to the point I took a few steps and had to take a minute. I thought this was just part of the recovery process from surgery. I've never had any health problems before having Madison so all of this was so new to me.

By that evening, I was yelling in pain when I moved even the slightest. I could hardly sit up, walk, even breathe without being in pain. Tyler wanted to call EMS but I'm hardheaded and told him I'd send my doctor a message if it didn't get better. Plot twist. It didn't.

Surgery was on Thursday. On Friday I messaged my doctor and he said the pain I'm feeling is likely a part of the recovery and if I'm not feeling well by Monday, call the office to come in. I was supposed to be in one of my lifelong friends wedding Saturday and I was doing everything I could to make it. I would have very short spells where I was okay but that was only because my pain was controlled. I still had pain medicine left over from my c-section and I was given a few more after this procedure.

I have failed to mention that I have a pretty high pain tolerance. I typically take pain like a champ. Not this time. Somehow I held it together and drove over an hour to be at my friends wedding. I absolutely should not have. I was miserable but I did not want to miss it. 

The following Monday rolled around and my sister was coming drive me to do a boutique restock. During my procedure, they placed a stent to help drain and I was told to remove it on Monday. I thought that once the stent was out, maybe I'll feel back to normal. I was wrong.

When my sister got to my house, I was just sitting in my bathroom feeling like I was going to pass out. She made the executive decision to call Tyler and my mom and it was time for me to go to the ER. She stayed with Madison until Tyler could get home and my mom and I went to the ER. I was taken back pretty quickly and once I was given a room I waited.. and waited... and waited.

The only funny part of this story is when two doctors came in my room and asked my mom to leave and told me I was pregnant. I laughed in their face and said that is absolutely not possible and they didn't believe me at first. It ended up being something with hormones. I was eventually taken back for a scan and by that point, I was in the most pain I've ever been in. I would have chosen my birth experience over this ten times. I was never given anything for pain management during my time in the ER, despite me screaming when I moved. It was all I could do to lay down to get my scan completed. I was still having severe breathing issues.

After over 12 hours, I was told that I was being transferred to the main hospital because of a collapsed lung. Great. A transport ambulance came to get me and at almost 2 am I was put into a hospital bed and told they were likely going to have to place a chest tube but they were going to try and let me rest for a few hours. 

At some point in that first hour I was at the hospital, they decided I needed a chest tube NOW. I was terrified. The best way I can describe it is an insane amount of pressure and basically crushing through cartilage. The sound is absolutely disgusting.

I now had a chest tube that would hopefully drain all the fluid off my lung. The next question is "how did this happen?"

I was pretty much monitored for two days seeing how much fluid was coming off my lung and trying to find the source. I was, once again, given a handful of doctors that were trying to narrow down the cause. Nevertheless, I had to have surgery.

During my surgery, they found out that the fluid had become a gel like consistency and basically encapsulated my lung. They had to scrape it all off of my lung and the surrounding areas. When I woke up, I had 2 more chest tubes and a big ole incision.

After surgery, I began to get some fevers and have some issues with my blood pressure. I also wasn't eating because, again, I had no appetite. I was doing blood work every 3 hours and being pumped with fluids and antibiotics.

The morning after surgery, I scared the CNA because of my fever and blood pressure and somehow the Rapid Response team got called again. The unit I was on felt like I was a risk and wanted me transferred to ICU or a step-down unit. No one wanted to take me, LOL. I eventually got taken to the Cardiothoracic ICU. My second ICU stay within a 3 month period. Lucky duck.

Everyone in the CTICU was amazing. Arguably, I was the "healthiest" person in the unit and I didn't need a ton of help other than toileting. I was kept there for the rest of my stay and they just monitored me. One of my nurses told me they argued over who got me that day and it was honestly so nice just to have people to talk to. The hospital is such a lonely place. My sleep schedule was all messed up so a lot of times when they would come in for a med pass, they would hang out and we'd just chat. 

During this time, my Mom was coming to see me every day. Tyler's work was great with letting him have time off. He would have Madison in the mornings and my MIL (who was also the biggest help) would leave work early to keep Madison when Tyler would come to the hospital to see me. My baby turned 3 months while I was there. 

It was finally determined that I had an undiagnosed/asymptomatic UTI and urine was trapped being the kidney stone. Once I had the surgery to remove the kidney stone, the bacteria from the UTI immediately spread and was taking over, spread to my lung and caused my lung to collapse. The infection also spread to my blood stream and my body was sepsis.

We were all happy to know the cause but we still didn't understand why I was ever released from post-op when my X-ray showed a plural effusion from the start. These are things we will never know the answers to.

Higher ups in the hospital got involved. My doctor transferred my care to another doctor. The entire 7 days I was there, my Urologist came by 1 time and it was the most uncomfortable experience. If I went another day before going to the ER, who knows what could have happened. 

My cardiothoracic surgeon was one of the best people I could have asked for to be part of my care team. He was direct, knowledgeable, and a pain in my ass. At one point, he threatened me with a feeding tube if I didn't start eating. He meant it so I did my best. 

I continued to receive a bunch of antibiotics until I was discharged on Memorial Day and I could finally start my healing journey at home. 

It hurt to sleep. It hurt to stand. It hurt to shower. It hurt to laugh. Everything hurt. My chest tube incisions were closed with staples and I had typical sutures for the incision site. I wasn't supposed to pick up my baby or do much of anything for the next 8 weeks.

Once I got home, I stayed on top of my schedule for medicine. I quickly realized that you don't get awards for not taking your pain medicine and if you want to function, do as you're told. 

It took well over a month before I was comfortable again. Even the way I walked was impacted because it hurt to let my left arm hang naturally. Even today, over 8 months later, my nerves are damaged on my side from surgery. It's still kind of uncomfortable. Bras hurt when the band rests on a scar. Madison loves to dig her feet into my side and it feels terrible. I don't know if that will ever get better.

I'm not looking for sympathy by writing any of this. Somehow writing this is like a form of therapy.

I've carried so much for the past year and some days are really hard. I downplay what I went through a lot. I am downloading some things as I write this. I will always be the first one to make a joke about it, but it has simply been the worst and best year of my life at the same time.

I would do everything all over again to have Madison and I Thank God that she is happy and healthy. I thank Him that I am on the other side of things and I am able to be her Mom. There were a few times when I wondered if I was going to be able to.

You're probably wondering how any of this has anything to do with me starting a new job, right?

I have never felt like I was a SAHM type. Certain circumstances were dealt last year and that's the role I took on. Thank God. I cannot imagine how much more stress and guilt I would carry if I was still having to work during all of the health issues and recovery.

Nevertheless, I was home every day with Madison once Tyler went back to work. I worked my butt off building this graphic apparel business. I worked harder than I should have when I physically shouldn't have, mentally shouldn't have, and when I had nothing to give. 

We talked about me going back to work once Madison turned one and I was totally fine with that. On top of the health challenges, being a SAHM has its own challenges. No one talks about how hard it is to be home everyday with a brand new human, with no adults to talk to, and you're trying to figure out who you are. 

So I started applying to jobs in December and immediately got interviews. I was excited because it was exactly what I wanted. I convinced all of our friends and family that it was perfect for me and Madison is ready for daycare, blah blah blah. I truly believed that. 

I signed all of my paperwork on Friday and was set to start working on Monday. Saturday came and I started to feel uneasy. I didn't know if I was just nervous because of the change or what. Sunday rolled around and it was even worse but I got my stuff ready and Madison's bag packed to go to daycare. Then she woke up around 12:30am and didn't go back to sleep until almost 3am. 

I had already been texting a couple of my friends telling them how I was feeling. Tyler assured me I didn't have to go if I didn't want to. I started feeling like a part time option would be better for us. I could still have time away from the house. Madison could still go play and socialize (we LOVE the in home daycare that we have been going to). After Madison fell asleep, I couldn't. I just laid there dreading having to wake up to my alarm in 2 hours.

At 5:45 I told myself I had to get up if there's going to be a chance of me getting to work. I went into our closet and just stared at my clothes for what felt like minutes. When I went into the bathroom, my face was covered in hives. I asked Tyler if he was sure he was okay with me not going and he said yes. So I sent an email.

I sent the most honest email I think I've ever written. 

"I'm extremely sorry to write this but after a weekend of uncertainty and questioning the right decision, I'm no longer going to be able to fill this role. I thought I was ready to enter back into the workforce but once it was a reality, I realized that I'm not quite ready to send my daughter to full-time daycare or to let go of being home with her.

I'm sorry for such a late notice. I was so excited to join you guys at ___, but I know I'll never regret the extra days at home."

It immediately felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. 

This last year, I have been in full on survival mode. My patience has been thin, my stress level has been high, and I've been in an all around funk. I'd like to think of 2025 as my redemption year.

The year I get my shit together.
The year I truly embrace motherhood.

Madison is walking, saying a few words, and is truly so freaking fun. I know once the weather warms up, we will have so much fun together.

I've already started changing my perspective on being at home and I hope I'm consistent with it. I don't feel equipped to be the person I envision but I know that God put this on my heart for a reason. We are coming out on the other side.

I don't know how long this season is going to be but without a doubt, Madison is the greatest joy and I am so fortunate to be her Mom. I've been applying for positions that I think would be a good fit but I'm willing to wait for the one that feels "right." I am so grateful Tyler has a job that allows me the freedom to make this decision.

It's really hard to talk about this past year and I typically don't. If I do, I often make a joke about it. I don't want to burden anyone with my feelings. I don't want anyone to think I'm being dramatic. But it's hard. 2024 was the hardest year of my life. I was as far in the trenches as you could get.

I carry a lot of guilt for my feelings. I carry a lot of hurt for the circumstances I was given. Something as simple as seeing a TikTok of a mother meeting their baby immediately after birth will make me sob because I didn't get that. I didn't have any aspect of a typical birth. I hope that one day this won't hurt as bad.

If you ever want to talk, I'm always here. I know it's good to offload some of the heavy stuff every once in a while. I hope if you've gone through anything similar, reading this brings you peace. If nothing, I feel a little better just to write it all out.

Thanks for being here and being part of our story.
Shelly